I humbly share with you this very personal part of my story because I want you to know what Jesus has done in my life. I have many regrets, But God, in His glory, has turned the bad and the ugly into good. So I use my mistakes, past and present as a lesson learned. My past does not define me. I choose to know who I am in Christ Jesus and I allow who He is in me, to define the woman I am today, just as He sees me.

Melissa’ Testimony: Finding God in the Midst of the Anxiety and Brokenness

Finding God in the Darkness: The First Encounter with God

I suffered from crippling anxiety as early as elementary school. What I didn’t know is that it would haunt me well into my adult years and show up in many different scenarios.

I didn’t grow up in a God fearing home; so my earliest recollection of learning about Jesus was in the 7th grade. My grades had gone down at public school, so my parents put me in private school. I remember the first day at this private Christian school so vividly. I was sitting at my desk in my classroom as the new student and my teacher was discussing the Second Coming of Christ. As one would imagine, being a young girl, I was in awe and terrified at the same time, but that day I left thoroughly curious. 

At 13 years old, I said the Lord’s prayer, invited Him into my heart and was baptized at a Pentecostal church (I am not Pentecostal) alongside my earliest and best childhood friend (she is still my God appointed sister to this day). 

For the rest of my childhood, I would only hear about Jesus during my brief stint at private school or if I randomly attended church with a friend. But there was one summer my brother and I went to Ohio and stayed with my grandmother and I would see her reading her Bible every day. I asked her what she was reading and she shared with me her love for God and told me how often she prayed for me. I am convinced that her prayers for me back then played a large role in God’s intervention in my life.

Finding God in the Darkness: The Wild Life & Toxic Marriage

I was not living a God centered life and I didn’t even know what one was. I lived my teenage years through my mid 20’s pretty carelessly. I had a false sense of value in my outer appearance and used it as a form of seeking self-worth through the attention of others. (Read more about that here). I had terrible anxiety, no self-control, was using recreational and prescription drugs and was drinking way too much alcohol. Not to mention, I worked as a bartender which only enhanced my drinking and partying habits in the years to come. 

I met my husband in 1997. I was very co-dependent and had such a skewed idea of what a relationship was.  We had an abortion in 1998 which is single-handedly the biggest regret of my life. We got married in 2000, not in a church or by a Pastor and we didn’t attend church except for the occasional extended family wedding, baptism or funeral.

Our marriage was a reflection of what we knew marriage to be — which was not limited to lies, distrust, jealousy, controlling behavior, anger, rage, lust & addiction. And so, seven years into our marriage, after many severe fights and a life of partying, we hit the final straw, infidelity.

I decided I no longer “loved” my husband. I wanted a taste of the greener side of life – the “single life”. I moved in with a friend and proceeded to party even harder for the next couple of months. Some of my actions at that time were deplorable, if I’m being honest.

One day, I had a very dear friend (another God appointed sister who is also still in my life today) who was in a Godly marriage, who told me that I needed to go to church. She said that God was the only one who could give me the answers I needed. Reluctantly, I took her advice. I remember the night like it was yesterday. It was a Wednesday night, 7 p.m. when I walked in to a women’s bible study.

I actually shared what was going on in my life with a woman I met that night and she told me that God wanted me home with my husband. This wasn’t what I wanted to hear. What I wanted, was someone to tell me that divorce was the answer. However, what I didn’t know at the time was that these women were breathing words of life into me.

Finding God in the Darkness: Redemption of My Soul & Marriage

Remember all those years ago when I received the Lord into my life and was “born again” through baptism? Well, for the first time, I truly felt the Holy Spirit moving me towards my husband. And I knew it was God because it definitely wasn’t me. 

I continued attending this church for the next few weeks and even invited my husband to meet me there. Little did I know, God was working in my husband too. There, the Lord led me back home and we started marriage counseling with our new Pastor. One day, our Pastor told us we were on a merry go round and asked us when we were going to jump off. See, we never had an example of what a “proper” marriage looked like, we only imitated what we saw. Our merry go round was filled with hurt, blame, anger, justification and destruction. 

He gave us an analogy that allowed us to “jump off the merry go round” and try marriage the way God intended. He asked us if we ever went outside to the garbage can, brought the garbage back into the house, dumped it out on the kitchen floor and sifted through it? He said that’s what you’re doing by not choosing to forgive. (Read more about that here). We couldn’t move forward because we were constantly living in the garbage of our past. 

We would condemn one another as justification for the pain we caused each other. But, God’s grace would teach us to forgive, rather than condemn. Just as Jesus forgave us when we repented, turned away from our sin and gave our lives to Him, we learned to forgive one another. 

When we repent, God remembers our sin no more. Like Psalm 103:12 says, “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us”. He sees the intentions of our heart and it was through His example that we were able to implement that grace and forgiveness towards one another. It was really hard because our flesh was strong. But the more we “fed” our Spirit and “starved” our flesh, what God was doing on the inside of us began to show outwardly. 

We never had malicious intent to hurt one another. But we were living in the flesh, so our actions were mostly self-seeking. The verse 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 taught us what marriage was supposed to look like and we were to love one another:  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” We literally had to learn how to implement each line in this verse.

It was as if we hit a reset button in our relationship and started over with a new beginning set on a sturdy foundation as Matthew 7:24-27 reads: “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” We had to learn to create a whole new foundation on Him. 

Finding God in the Darkness: Challenging Faith & Growth Through Scriptures

Our Pastor taught us so much about the Word of God and encouraged us on our path to living life the way God had planned. God’s Word showed us that we could have redemption and a new start based on His love as a foundation and that was our goal. God’s Word convinced us that our marriage was worth fighting for. 

As I learned how to read the Bible in the beginning, it was often overwhelming due to my lack of comprehension. But God’s faithfulness would endure. He would give me the discernment and comprehension I was lacking and as I learned how to yield to God’s truth in my choices, I began to see the fruit of my labor.

One of the first scripture verses I learned & clung to during this time was Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” I tried life & marriage my way and it didn’t work. So this verse was pivotal for me on my new path in life as Jesus paved the way.

Another scripture was Matthew 7:13-14 which says: “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life and there are few who find it.” We certainly had our work cut out for us and taking the path of least resistance was the easy way out. At this point, we knew that divorce was easier than working through our problems. Let’s be honest, change can be really hard. And if we stood any chance at redemption, then we would both have to change. And Matthew 19:26 which says; “With God, all things are possible,” showed me that His Word is alive and when you cling to His Word, something incredible occurs in your life. 

Putting God first in our lives as individuals was instrumental. Remember how I said I was codependent on my husband? Well, putting God first showed me how much my dependency was actually for Jesus and that apart from Him, I couldn’t be who I was called to be. He showed me how to love and respect my husband and this is what allowed us to bring our new self into our marriage. As we allowed the scriptures to dictate our actions, we were joined together in a miraculous way. The way God intended! 

Our wounds began to heal and God’s Spirit in us triumphed over our past. We saw one another just as God saw us, as a new creation in Jesus Christ. Like 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new,” God redeemed us through our faith and humility. We no longer lived in the shame of our past, but rather used it as a testimony to how God can change our inner being.

Hebrews 4:12 says, “for the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” When you read the scriptures and discover God’s plan, you’re held to a new accountability to God. His Spirit convicts your thoughts and aligns them with the scriptures. When you experience the way His Word and His Spirit work cohesively in your life and more importantly, the effect it has on your life, there is just no denying that His Word is alive!

Conforming your thoughts and choices to align with God is labor. It takes effort to pause before our natural instincts of thought, emotion, judgement and all those bad habits we picked up from the way we were raised. This happens through conviction of the Holy Spirit through the scriptures. As I learned God’s Word, I was held accountable to His Word. The application of the truth found in His Word is solely what has produced change in my heart and in my life. 

So, as our marriage was being restored through forgiveness and practicing what it actually means to love; 2 years later and 9 years into our marriage, we had our first son. We had him dedicated to God when he was around 6 months old. We promised God to raise him up in the ways of the Lord. When he was 6 years old he asked the Lord into his heart and at 9 years old, he made a personal decision to be baptized. 

God’s promises give me the motivation I need to be the example of the woman my sons will look for one day. I’ll never be perfect as that doesn’t exist in human beings. Rather, strive to be a kind, patient, loving and gracious spirit. A woman who eludes the joy of the Lord. She respects herself and lives in the confidence of who she is in Christ Jesus.

Finding God in the Darkness: 13 Years Later…

I confess today I am a sinner, saved by God’s grace. Since devoting myself to Him, He continues to show me my purpose in this life and not to waste my days on borrowed time. He has revealed His will for my life and is continually softening my heart and tearing down strongholds.

He is teaching me to yield to His Spirit and I’m learning long-suffering and self-control — especially when I never knew I could have self-control over my ungodly desires, emotions and substance-abuse through the strength that He provides. He is giving me a hope & a future where no fear exists. (See Overcoming Fear) He is slowly ridding me of my doubts, insecurities and anger by showing me His perfect love. 

John 10:10 says, “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” Following Jesus isn’t just about life after death. It’s about how I live my life while I’m alive. Have you ever felt like you were existing but not living? Well, Jesus is life! I can attest to this scripture because following Jesus is life changing. Through His Word and the Holy Spirit, little by little He is transforming me into His image. Transformation of the human heart is a lifelong ongoing work of the Holy Spirit. 

He is changing the way I cope with life and how I handle stress, fear & anxiety. I am no longer in chains by the troubles that this life brings. Jesus gives freedom! He is changing the way I see others and the way I see myself. I have learned to see others through His eyes and to extend the same grace to others that He has given me. 

When my focus in life shifted from worldly to eternal, my thoughts and actions began to change. I stopped holding onto anything that was holding me back from being who God created me to be. Do you remember the acronym WWJD? I would literally ask myself, what would Jesus do. I began to be about what Jesus was about and that’s when blessings poured forth into my life. Life isn’t always easy, but I can take comfort that He is there and His promises are true. 

I never imagined this possibility, but with every day that passes, I love my husband more than the day we married. Our marriage is not perfect and we still have to practice forgiveness. But as a man who seeks after God’s own heart, he inspires and encourages me to walk by faith and I cannot imagine my life without him or with anyone else. I praise God for changing our hearts to align with His and the ability to recognize when we are not in alignment with His Spirit.

I’m beginning to see the 39 years of my life as one big jigsaw puzzle with all the pieces scattered on a table. As I submit to God’s will, the pieces start to form into an image of what He intended my life to be.

Looking back on my life, I see the people that God has intricately woven into my life. I see His divine intervention and feel His love for me. His plans for me ultimately prevailed and He isn’t finished yet. That’s what is so exciting!

I acknowledge my need for a Saviour because it is my living testimony that any life can be restored through Him. Jesus is faithful to redeem the sinner’s life, restore the brokenhearted and heal the abused. God’s way is transformation into His image and His will. His way is merciful and once you’ve experienced His divine goodness, there is no room to doubt that His ways are true and His existence is even tangible.

What I Really Want You to Know

Just as God has a plan for me, He has one for you too. You also have a choice to follow God’s plan for your life or follow your own plan for your life. I can unequivocally tell you that God’s plan for you far exceeds what you can imagine. Ephesians 2:10 says “we are His handiwork, created to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.” 

So my question to you is, do you know God or do you know of God? Is God an acquaintance or have you developed a personal and intimate relationship with Him? Because there is a big difference in the two and what that means for your life. If you want to know how a personal relationship with Jesus Christ can change your life, start here. 

Meet Melissa!

Hi, I’m Melissa! I am a military spouse, stay-at-home mom of two boys and content creator of My Hills and Valleys. I share my life’s experiences in faith, family and travel – which we’ve been fortunate to do a lot of through the military. I have a passion to encourage others as we find common ground together. I enjoy hearing my kids laugh, watching funny movies, trying new restaurants & enjoying life with my family.

Testimonies from Other Girls in the Tribe

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—> You might also like Hannah’s testimony: Finding Jesus in the Midst of Anxiety and Broken Dreams

—> You might also like Maclean’s testimony: Called to More than a ‘Good’ Church Girl

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Do you Have a Story?

If you’ve got a testimony or a story to share, please send me an email at hi@truthfullymichelle.com

I’d love to get in touch with you and share your beautiful story too!

Before You Go…

Drop a comment in the comment section below! Do you struggle with anxious thoughts penetrating your mind and living to the standards and expectations of the world? Or do you have a story about finding God in the darkness too? Let’s start a discussion!

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